I love, love, love this post. I was a scientist before I quit to work part-time as a ghostwriter but pretty much full-time as a parent. Everything you wrote is something I resonate with or something I've said. I think back to my worst days as a scientist and as a parent and what I would tell people is that at the end of the day, I love my kid but I didn't love my job. But the thing about the worst days at the job was that they were over and didn't leave me emotionally and physically depleted in the same way that my worst days of parenting did. Though as they get further away, the details and edges have been shaved off. I imagine recounting them now would look much like your example entry of waiting to write about the day a month after.
Thank you so much for the kind words! I think you've really put your finger on something with that. It feels so weird to compare the working world to being with your kids, they're hard in such different ways and they have such different rewards. And you're exactly right that even if work is hard, it's usually something you can take breaks from and compartmentalize to some degree from your life - whereas your kids ARE your life, and they never take a holiday or weekend off. But I wouldn't trade them 🤷
I laughed out loud (scrolling in bed once the kids are FINALLY asleep) and teared up and screenshot the triple constraint for future reference!! You’re an excellent writer.
Also this line: “What memories do the good days in law leave you with?”
…it smacked me over the head.
I’m not a lawyer, but I am mildly consumed by the pursuit of making memories and had somehow… never… *thought* about what memories work might (not) make?!?
All that to say - glad you’re here, thanks for sharing! 🙏
Thank you so much for the kind comments! I also get really in my own head about memories---I've got a couple of pieces about this coming in the future actually. And yeah I actually hadn't thought about it like that either until I started writing it. Chalk up a win for putting pen to page!
Thanks again for reading and please pop in and say whenever you have something to share!
My nose is tingly and my eyes are watery. 🥹 you are an incredible writer. I hope this white, sheep shaped dream takes on full form. I would read your writing forever!
“If you can see a thing whole," he said, "it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives. . . . But close up, a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you loose the pattern. You need distance, interval. The way to see how beautiful earth is, is to see it from the moon. The way to see how beautiful life is, is from the vantage point of death.”
Your line on the impressionistic painting made me think of this Ursula K Le Guin quote from one of my favorite books, The Dispossessed :)
“I remember smiles, giggles, and snuggles which, if you could buy them on the street and inject them, would be a Schedule I substance. “ my fav sentence. I don’t have kids but when my nephew smiles at me it feels like I’ve won the lottery.
The truth is that not nearly enough people are using footnotes on Substack, so thank you for doing your part to remedy that.
But really, I’ve so enjoyed reading your writing over the past couple of days. As someone who is both dream job-adjacent and just birthed her first baby nine months ago, it’s been heartening and fascinating to read echoes of all the revelations and reevaluations of what achievement and success mean in this new context.
There is a wide perceptual difference between the day-to-day experience of being around kids and the memories in hindsight. You write about this well.
As a parent of young kids, I hear from older parents to enjoy the suffering, but I also look back on previous years with some sense of fondness. It never feels as heavy as when I'm in it, and never as light as in hindsight. So I try to infer some lightness into the present for historical accuracy 😄.
This idea is the subject of a whole piece I've been planning just as soon as I'm emotionally ready to actually face it. The advice "it goes by so fast" and the injunction to enjoy every moment is like a virus specifically designed to break my mind from the inside with anxiety. If you have any tips on how to find peace about this I'M ALL EARS.
Ah yes, the injunction to enjoy our present suffering! Well it's not all suffering, but you know what I mean. Many times I have heard an older parent advise me that "they grow up fast" and to enjoy the young-kid years. I used your question as a prompt for this week's 500-word essay:
This by no means covers every angle, but a take nonetheless, more of a defense of the perception of time, less of an answer to the emotional questions that come with this perception.
I love, love, love this post. I was a scientist before I quit to work part-time as a ghostwriter but pretty much full-time as a parent. Everything you wrote is something I resonate with or something I've said. I think back to my worst days as a scientist and as a parent and what I would tell people is that at the end of the day, I love my kid but I didn't love my job. But the thing about the worst days at the job was that they were over and didn't leave me emotionally and physically depleted in the same way that my worst days of parenting did. Though as they get further away, the details and edges have been shaved off. I imagine recounting them now would look much like your example entry of waiting to write about the day a month after.
Thank you so much for the kind words! I think you've really put your finger on something with that. It feels so weird to compare the working world to being with your kids, they're hard in such different ways and they have such different rewards. And you're exactly right that even if work is hard, it's usually something you can take breaks from and compartmentalize to some degree from your life - whereas your kids ARE your life, and they never take a holiday or weekend off. But I wouldn't trade them 🤷
The Conversational Triple Constraint has me loling! This essay got me a little teary-eyed. So good!
I came to comment exactly this!!
I laughed out loud (scrolling in bed once the kids are FINALLY asleep) and teared up and screenshot the triple constraint for future reference!! You’re an excellent writer.
Also this line: “What memories do the good days in law leave you with?”
…it smacked me over the head.
I’m not a lawyer, but I am mildly consumed by the pursuit of making memories and had somehow… never… *thought* about what memories work might (not) make?!?
All that to say - glad you’re here, thanks for sharing! 🙏
Thank you so much for the kind comments! I also get really in my own head about memories---I've got a couple of pieces about this coming in the future actually. And yeah I actually hadn't thought about it like that either until I started writing it. Chalk up a win for putting pen to page!
Thanks again for reading and please pop in and say whenever you have something to share!
❤❤❤
My nose is tingly and my eyes are watery. 🥹 you are an incredible writer. I hope this white, sheep shaped dream takes on full form. I would read your writing forever!
Thanks Aimee :) ❤
Tremendous stuff Jordan.
I love the honesty of your imperfection. Something we need to talk about more.
Thank you so much! If you can't be honest in a tiny blog I guess you can't be honest anywhere so might as well.
Thanks for sharing this. Its very very interesting seeing this perspective from a male stay-at-home parent. Wish more men could/would read this
I think this is where I encourage you to share it with them, ha! Thanks for the comment!
“If you can see a thing whole," he said, "it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives. . . . But close up, a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you loose the pattern. You need distance, interval. The way to see how beautiful earth is, is to see it from the moon. The way to see how beautiful life is, is from the vantage point of death.”
Your line on the impressionistic painting made me think of this Ursula K Le Guin quote from one of my favorite books, The Dispossessed :)
Oh man. That is so powerful. I'm going to be thinking about that for a while. Thanks for sharing!
“I remember smiles, giggles, and snuggles which, if you could buy them on the street and inject them, would be a Schedule I substance. “ my fav sentence. I don’t have kids but when my nephew smiles at me it feels like I’ve won the lottery.
Oh man. Nephews and nieces are so, SO great. If you ever decide to the Hard Stuff (kids of your own), do report back.
The truth is that not nearly enough people are using footnotes on Substack, so thank you for doing your part to remedy that.
But really, I’ve so enjoyed reading your writing over the past couple of days. As someone who is both dream job-adjacent and just birthed her first baby nine months ago, it’s been heartening and fascinating to read echoes of all the revelations and reevaluations of what achievement and success mean in this new context.
Can’t wait to read more.
Please do not encourage my footnote addiction, it's barely manageable as it is...
But huge congrats on the baby and the dream job adjacency! That's a recipe for a full and fulfilling life!
There is a wide perceptual difference between the day-to-day experience of being around kids and the memories in hindsight. You write about this well.
As a parent of young kids, I hear from older parents to enjoy the suffering, but I also look back on previous years with some sense of fondness. It never feels as heavy as when I'm in it, and never as light as in hindsight. So I try to infer some lightness into the present for historical accuracy 😄.
This idea is the subject of a whole piece I've been planning just as soon as I'm emotionally ready to actually face it. The advice "it goes by so fast" and the injunction to enjoy every moment is like a virus specifically designed to break my mind from the inside with anxiety. If you have any tips on how to find peace about this I'M ALL EARS.
Ah yes, the injunction to enjoy our present suffering! Well it's not all suffering, but you know what I mean. Many times I have heard an older parent advise me that "they grow up fast" and to enjoy the young-kid years. I used your question as a prompt for this week's 500-word essay:
https://dadathome.substack.com/p/they-grow-up-fast
This by no means covers every angle, but a take nonetheless, more of a defense of the perception of time, less of an answer to the emotional questions that come with this perception.